boys in bands

I'm with Mindy Kaling on this one.
If you're younger than thirty years old and in a band, you are a boy.
Not a man.
No matter how much you'd like to admit to yourself that this is okay, that you're band is going somewhere or even that you're just playing for fun, I won't expect men-behavior from you.
Unless you're Manchester Orchestra or Coldplay I don't wanna buy your 'merch' and even then, I'm gonna need a discount for being cute (this terminology is of course allowed, as girls and boys are negotiating, as opposed to women and men) or it better cost me less than fifteen dollars.
All that said, I will assume you still live life in a meld of recess and your early twenties. And that your social relationships are priorities are organized thereof.

So, no. We shouldn't go out.

i haven't written extensively in over a year. but i feel it stirring in me lately. emerging soon. fingers crossed.

heavy

i've never felt weight like i did this evening. of sin. of shame. of desperation. of completeness. of restoration. of redemption.

waiting for a 'no'

as Christians, we often spend time 'praying about things'. That be, our future, our relationships, our time, and so on. We 'dedicate' them to the Lord. Convinced that if we just say that we're praying about something, the Lord will very well bless our hearts with whatever we desire. Aligning our wants with His is something that we know to do, but rarely find ourselves living out to a place of fulfillment to glory.
Preparing our hearts for the opposite of our desires is hardly something we want to carry out, much less, deal with in a perilous reality. Receiving a 'no' from Jesus when we think we deserve a 'yes' is hard and undesirable.


But what about the times when we here the Lord give us a 'yes' to our own desires? When what He wants, clearly matches our's? He's just being vague about our next step? Or is He?

Too often we move forward when we have not been lead to on decisions that we probably shouldn't be considering anyway. And when we do, we can excuse it as 'God's Will' for our lives.
The issue comes when we have confused God with ourselves. Our hearts and longings tell us yes! Yes to the unwise financial decision. Yes to the new relationship. Yes to the new position. Yes to the flesh. The root of the issue is not moving forward or how to, but rather that we have confused the very center of our lives. God's power in our lives have been overshadowed by the power of our own wants, desire to receive them, and them to be as maximally satisfying as possible.
We've exchanged our true God with the one that is only ourselves. Of course that god said yes! of course there was motion toward our desire; they're all we're listening to anyway!

Unclouding our path and communication with Jesus is the best way to avoid this. Creating an open line with him on a basis that comes not from a time when we want answers alone, but a time when we can simply live to worship Him. When communication is no longer blocked by our own desires for the 'big decisions' in our lives, we are most free to see and seek His face so that we may more fully understand his heart, character and will to better live a life of glory. Receiving a surprising answer from God is often decreased in occurrence when we better know his Spirit.

running over

the Gospel is life changing. and if its not life changing, it isn't the Gospel.


this truth is the mere scraping of the day. between such busy mondays that include two classes, one studio, two bible studies, working out and quality time, i was reminded of such.
We're forever selfish with the Gospel; dividing it out, as if grace is some sort of commodity to share with those we think most highly of or could make the best use of it. there needs to be less dividing and more multiplying, extending grace far beyond the limits of our human insight.
we limit our own use by not committing our ways fully to the Kingdom and its furthering. that said, how do we move beyond what we believe we are called to do? we hardly have a full grasp of the desire God has for us and his truth, and without a continued growth in perspective, how should we ever move beyond our own expectations. yearning for unfathomable motions of God's hand is essential to living a life that allows your cup to run over the sides and unto the lives of those we are commanded to expose the truth of the Gospel to.

so what is the point of the Gospel bringing life change? south carolina's bible belt feature allows for a great misunderstanding of the way that Jesus works. being good isn't enough.
a life change doesn't just appear outwardly. and it also doesn't just hide inwardly. a life change as a result of the Gospel, is one that penetrates the thickest of skin and past, one that emerges with the new dawn, one that radiates light from the once darkest of places, and brings hope to the most desolate of hearts.
in some, it is harder to see. and in others it is the most obvious of changes. but the change, of whatever degree is the essential piece. without it, there has been no encounter with the Gospel that is worth mentioning to oneself or the world.


so, multiply the kingdom. and penetrate the world with truth.

change has come.

"The fair new petals must fall, and for no visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping.
And the first step into the realm of giving is a like surrender---not manward but Godward: an utter yielding of our best... The life lost on the Cross was not a sinful one---the treasure poured forth there was God-given, God-blessed treasure, lawful and right to be kept: only that there was the life of the world at stake."
Lilias Trotter

He gives all.
He asks all.

selfishness of the gospel.

my own selfishness of the Gospel was magnified today. the ability to have a conversation, much less a conversation centered around the Gospel, with a friend was eliminated. there's no going back at this point.
i thought a lot today about the last conversation i had with chance. actually, i thought about all the conversations i had with him. and i basically came to the conclusion that by [sin] nature, i am completely selfish with the Gospel.

my words are sometimes light, but most of the time, i just manage to get through life without mentioning the importance of the Lord, even in my own life. Geography classes and work shifts have been particularly easy to slide by when it comes to being intentional about the way that i carry myself and the Gospel.
I carry it like I know the elect. well, more like, i can choose the elect. i'll shine Light to those I think deserve it, not the ones that I think may be beyond the reach of the arms of Christ (the ones who most often need it most).

All will worship, so why not encourage the worship of Him now? why delay one's worship even further with my own stubborn and selfish -ness?

'He has shown his people the power of his works, in giving them the inheritance of the nations.'
Psalm 111:6

As the 268generation begins to assemble in Atlanta I only wish I could be there. I pray that the kingdom is ever furthered by the Spirit's work there.

rewashing.

strings wearing thin;
needing to be replaced.
may they be as my hands,
rewashed.
for another sin to be cleansed.

curing the skin;
being made brand new.
though it is not easy,
tightened.
for another chance is given.

sky

and i can't help but wonder
if you're glimpsing at the same star tonight.

more reality than i'd prefer.

10 seconds

oh autumn.
the way you smell.
the way you make me
feel.

i long for an extra
pair of arms.
of the knight variety.
though not quite
as cold
as the metal type.

embers burning
beside.
hearts burning
inside.

chinese lantern. in asia.

sons&daughters

'Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

You make it beautiful
You make it beautiful'

brokenness aside

hands

'the water there is deeper than anything you've ever seen
jump right in and swim until you freeze

I will remember your face
'cause I am still in love with that place'

atlas hands
b.f. leftwich

you really gotta hold on me.

"i love you
and all i want
you to do
is just
hold me
hold me
hold me
hold me."
she&him

self. written a while back.

self loving

in a house of

mirrors

reflecting only

ourselves,

our wants,

our blood

self loathing

in a house of

mirrors

broken by

ourselves,

our bones,

leaking

our blood

baby brothers&sisters

maybe i should update about asia more often. its busy here. draw conclusions from there.

its hard to believe that our time in hong kong has so quickly come to an end. we have three more days with students at school and a little hang out time planned with some of them outside of such. things seemed to go by so much quicker this year. and i can't be sure why. and i have mixed feelings about it for sure.

sunday morning i realized just how much i enjoy and need time with very young children. we're talking ages 3 to 5 here. i just like hanging out with them. last week came with an opportunity to serve at Watermark Community Church in the children's classroom. oh how i loved it. their want to be independent enough to sit on their own, but finally admitting that they'd rather perch on my lap is my favorite. and they cuddle so well.

i miss my baby brother. i'm missing summers where he's cool enough to actually hang out with and not totally grate my nerves. i need that kid in my life. i look forward to him meeting me at the airport on august 9th.

be praying for our next flight. i'll be leading both my team and another and look forward to all that the vision trip has in store! oh, and since i mentioned children, i'd say that i'm quite looking forward to the trip to an orphanage while we are there. although, i may come back with a beyond broken heart for the children. .

but Jesus said,
'let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of heaven
belongs to such as these."'
Matthew 19:14

warm fuzzies

letters from home come in the form of email nowadays. letters from mainland come in the same. and i realize that they're my favorite.

i love emails. they're much more personal that a silly facebook message. so stay classy.

as far as the rest of hong kong goes. . . its such a mixed bag. which makes it real. moments are
fabulous and fulfilling.
others are dismal and depressing.
then back to delightful
and yet there's a
constant pressure and persistence
of the school officials
to move our program from and English camp to some kind of insane tutoring program. . . also not what we're about. That said, its been challenging. School days always leave room for the unexpected and with the constant adjustments my team and I are having to make, we would certainly welcome any available prayers!


Aside from such, things are going well. I get to see some of my students from last year tomorrow and that's certainly exciting!
Asia is as lovely as ever. I'm not sure what all the King has for me following this adventure, but I'm enjoying it now. and making the most of new and old relationships. pray for a balance. not of the relationships, but of my own time and the relationships. i'm learning just how much time I really do need for myself for processing, for growing, for my own heart and for the sake of others. I'm just no fun to be around if I haven't had time for Steph in a few days.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers,
be steadfast, immovable,
always abounding in the work of the Lord,
knowing that in the Lord
your labor is not in vain.”
-I Cor. 15:58

a quote for good measure

'we are debtors to every man to give him the gospel in the same measure in which we have received it."
-P.F. Bresee

more on Asia later.