self. written a while back.

self loving

in a house of

mirrors

reflecting only

ourselves,

our wants,

our blood

self loathing

in a house of

mirrors

broken by

ourselves,

our bones,

leaking

our blood

baby brothers&sisters

maybe i should update about asia more often. its busy here. draw conclusions from there.

its hard to believe that our time in hong kong has so quickly come to an end. we have three more days with students at school and a little hang out time planned with some of them outside of such. things seemed to go by so much quicker this year. and i can't be sure why. and i have mixed feelings about it for sure.

sunday morning i realized just how much i enjoy and need time with very young children. we're talking ages 3 to 5 here. i just like hanging out with them. last week came with an opportunity to serve at Watermark Community Church in the children's classroom. oh how i loved it. their want to be independent enough to sit on their own, but finally admitting that they'd rather perch on my lap is my favorite. and they cuddle so well.

i miss my baby brother. i'm missing summers where he's cool enough to actually hang out with and not totally grate my nerves. i need that kid in my life. i look forward to him meeting me at the airport on august 9th.

be praying for our next flight. i'll be leading both my team and another and look forward to all that the vision trip has in store! oh, and since i mentioned children, i'd say that i'm quite looking forward to the trip to an orphanage while we are there. although, i may come back with a beyond broken heart for the children. .

but Jesus said,
'let the little children come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of heaven
belongs to such as these."'
Matthew 19:14

warm fuzzies

letters from home come in the form of email nowadays. letters from mainland come in the same. and i realize that they're my favorite.

i love emails. they're much more personal that a silly facebook message. so stay classy.

as far as the rest of hong kong goes. . . its such a mixed bag. which makes it real. moments are
fabulous and fulfilling.
others are dismal and depressing.
then back to delightful
and yet there's a
constant pressure and persistence
of the school officials
to move our program from and English camp to some kind of insane tutoring program. . . also not what we're about. That said, its been challenging. School days always leave room for the unexpected and with the constant adjustments my team and I are having to make, we would certainly welcome any available prayers!


Aside from such, things are going well. I get to see some of my students from last year tomorrow and that's certainly exciting!
Asia is as lovely as ever. I'm not sure what all the King has for me following this adventure, but I'm enjoying it now. and making the most of new and old relationships. pray for a balance. not of the relationships, but of my own time and the relationships. i'm learning just how much time I really do need for myself for processing, for growing, for my own heart and for the sake of others. I'm just no fun to be around if I haven't had time for Steph in a few days.

“Therefore, my beloved brothers,
be steadfast, immovable,
always abounding in the work of the Lord,
knowing that in the Lord
your labor is not in vain.”
-I Cor. 15:58

a quote for good measure

'we are debtors to every man to give him the gospel in the same measure in which we have received it."
-P.F. Bresee

more on Asia later.

an ELIC welcome!

ohhhhh man. Its good to be back in Asia. I won't lie, the journey was long and difficult. But I'm so glad I'm finally here. ELIC has the very best people! Fellow team leaders are amazing. ELIC staff is oh so great! and the folks that are assisting in training. . . da best!! So if you're coming, GET EXCITED! and if you're following what's going on in Asia, be sure to see the Camp blog too! http://campblog.elic.org/ features a lovely picture of myself and Megan Wynd soak and wet after an outrageous downpour on the way up the mountain for our training retreat sight. Speaking of Wynd, its been so good to be reunited with her. We're pretty much different body types of the same person. Its fantastic. I was warmly welcomed by her and this. . .'The Skip's' is my fave. It kinda makes Asia, Asia. Chocolate and peanut butter together like none other.

In our team leader free time we all usually sit around in the same room and communicate via internet connection. with laughs out loud all around. which is what we're doing now as i type this up. And on that note, its not even ten, but jet lag is kinda kicking in. .

asia. round 2.

Well, departure is here again. I'm waking up at 5:30am to get ready to board a flight back across the world. I'm returning to Hong Kong for five weeks of my summer and I've never had more mixed emotions in my life.
I'm anxious. I love Asia, I know I love Asia. But this is a summer when I could really see if Asia is it for me. If its more than just a place to invest a few summers while in college. To be completely honest, I don't know what to anticipate in the way of such things.
I'm inadequate. I'm honestly not sure I've ever felt more inadequate about anything in my life. And here I am, preparing to lead a team on the other side of the world while we work together in teaching English. Very little about that statement makes very much sense to me. Thankfully, I have been reminded of a verse in second Corinthians:

"That is why, for Christ’s sake,
I delight in weaknesses,
in insults, in hardships,
in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."
(12:10)

I'm excited. I'm going back to one of the most beautiful places I've ever laid my eyes on. I get to be reunited with some friends from last year. and I get to connect with hearts that are yearning so heavily for the Gospel. Asian culture is magnificent. Chopsticks, walking everywhere, dark hair, tonal language. ohhhh man. I'm excited.
and yet, my heart remains heavy. Be praying for restoration. Be praying for guidance. Be praying for strength. Thank you, my friends.

take flight, my dear.

the morning begins its song
it breaks the loudness
of my own shouting thoughts
i've been restless for hours

days
awaiting the moment
the world distracts
when day begins
and my brain can finally
rest
as the lark sings
he contemplates flight
i envy the thought ability
to spread his wings and
fly

'earmuffs'

'hello darkness, my old friend
i've come to talk with you again
because a vision softly creeping
left its seeds while i was sleeping
and the vision that was planted
in my brain, still remains
within the sound of silence.'
simon and garfunkel

Handle with Care

A word about my past: I used to be so careful. Not speaking. Not sharing. Not bold. Such could not be attributed to my character at all. I handled every situation with care and consideration.

A reminder to myself: My personality has changed. Experience forced extroverted-ness. I respond quickly. Sometimes too quickly now. Some situations require much more care than I give them.

A warning for others: I am broken. Well, now repaired, but very easy to be found in a dysfunctional state again. So to others, I warn, please do indeed handle my love and your's with gentleness.

A way I have been carried: I have been picked up by the only one that could. He has handled me with the most care one could ever know. I don't deserve this, for I have bitten the hand that feeds far too often.


Given the expectation to describe myself and my life in three words, these are the ones I chose.

perplexed.

Every religion is about how we can get closer to god. the exception is Christianity, in which God became closer to us. the perplexities of my God is absolutely astounding. for we can do and have done nothing to make ourselves closer to him, for he draws near to us.

good friday

'One choice
One tree
One fall for humanity
One lie
One liar
One bite is all death required
One great regret
One squandered chance, and yet
One hope
One day
One name above all other names
One bridge between then and now
One way to discover how
One price
One tree
One drop of crimson covers me'

Nichole Nordeman

day three.

eight ways to win your heart (in no particular order):

1. have a sense of style that's completely your own. and is easily a blend of a number of influences.
2. embrace me. i'm a little weird. and can apparently be a little overwhelming. but i honestly don't mean to be. at all. so, just embracing me is nice.
3. laugh.
4. love the Lord more than you love me or anything else in life.
5. enjoy physical touch; its my love language.
6. challenge me. especially spiritually.
7. talk with me. be willing to have chats. about any and everything concerning life.
8. honesty. all the time. about everything. only one person has ever fulfilled such fully in my life.

asia.

sometimes. a lot of times. most of the time. all the time. it doesn't seem practical.

overdue simplified reflections.

Its like what Tiffany I were talking about a few weeks ago. How do we bring that lifestyle, that constant outpouring of love into our lives daily? We’re to avoid, at all costs, the temptation of ‘getting high’. It, like anything else, seems attractive, but is a cheapening of how we’re supposed to live. It’s a challenge to live life in the perspective of constantly being full of gentleness and love. And somehow never exhausting those two things with the excursions of our own vices. In Asia I did find myself very exhausted at times. I slept quite a bit, in fact. I understood what it really meant to be so though. Being exhausted didn’t mean I had stayed up late hanging out with Derek, Emma, Charlie and Rachel, it meant I had found myself giving all I had to loving on those kids. Yes, when teaching was over, its shine from the day had worn off. It wasn’t romantic to play basketball for an extra thirty minutes with them (while wearing a skirt I might add). And I guess that’s the kind of thing that made it a reality for me, a practical place that I may eventually see life for myself. that each day before Raymond walked in, I had to very purposefully set my heart to loving those kids. Not that I ever found them unlovable, but that was the intention of my day⎯to love.

dry sponge.

i want to cry. i really do. but for once, nothing. no tears.
i can sort of feel the drops sitting behind my eyelids,
pushing themselves to the surface. but they don't come.
i'm not sure why.
but my face seems as dry as my spirit is.

i pray for restoration.
and i feel it coming.
not just because of my conditions.
but because i am seeking it.

day two.

Nine things about yourself.

1. my flesh gets incredibly itchy in the winter.
2. i find that more often than should, God finds himself squeezing the bit of Jesus in me out to serve, rather than finding myself pouring Him out.
3. i'm not as craftsy as i'd like to be. its mostly because of a lack of motivation. i've got good ideas, the execution is lacking.
4. one of the reasons that i started dying my hair and became a vegetarian are the same.
5. i'm much more of a germ freak that i let on. no really, if i get in my bed dirty with a new set of clean sheets i will do the same every night without a shower until i rewash the sheets. if i take a shower at night the first night, i will do the same until i feel the need to wash the sheets.
6. raspberry iced tea has become my latest constant craving.
7. i love a good talk about the Lord. quality time involving such is a favorite. unfortunately interest in quality time involving talking about individual lives has grown faint compared to my interest in talking specifically about the Lord. not that that's a bad thing, i just seem more uninterested than i once did. and that's unfortunate.
8. my favorite color is undoubtedly yellow.
9. i should be asleep. its 6am.

dreading.

i just realized one reason i don't want to grow old. eventually all the ones that are older than me will have already done so. and will be gone. which i celebrate, but will selfishly covet the comfort they bring. especially when they hold me. when they let me cry.

Up

Tonight I realized how often I forget the verse when Jesus proclaims that we are to

'take up our cross

daily

and follow him.'

in Luke 9:23. my problems aren't really a one time thing. Turning things over for God to control isn't a one time deal. for me, it has to happen every day. because if i don't, then i pick the struggle back up.

journaling

'I was very cautious about what I put in the journals. I don't think it was because I feared someone else would discover my secrets. I think I was afraid to articulate, even for myself, feelings I might have to get rid of. Better to stick with what God was saying to me that what my heart was saying. It seemed the safer course.' -Elisabeth Elliot


God is much more concerned with our holiness than He is our own happiness.

day one.

Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. i miss you. your optimism. your sarcasm. your encouragement. your need for words of affirmation. and how i knew exactly how to give that love to you. and in return, you knew how to love me.
2. i really wish you hadn't done that to me. i almost feel like i'm screwed up for life. i've had complete paranoia about relationships ever since we ended.
3. if you were fifteen years younger and i didn't have a boy in my life, i'd date you.
4. you make me self conscience. and that's stupid. because you're an immature version of me.
5. why did you mess them up? i'm forever seen as a parallel because of you. and i hate that. can i just be steph?
6. i'm sorry relationships are complicated.
7. i miss you in my life. sometimes i need you more than i realize. the days when i want to go cry. and to be held by you. because its the most consistent i've ever known.
8. you don't know everything. i don't either. but i don't try to either. .
9. you are incredibly patient. and incredibly loving. don't doubt yourself. and i'll try to do the same for you.
10. i miss you. i need your ninety-three year old eyes looking into mine and knowing everything about me. i wish i could see you on this side of heaven again.